(Just a literary doodle in honour of this blessed blessed day.)
Saturday, May 21, 2011.
So apparently that Camping guy was right. The Rapture was today. People woke up to find their friends gone. Cars were no longer burdened by their believing passengers and crashed into each other. More than one airplane dove to the earth once they were devoid of their pilots.
The President went on the TV and advised us to be calm. When asked why he wasn’t taken up with the rest of the true believers he said “I guess the cat’s out of the bag now. I only went to church to make it look like I was a Christian, not that it matters anymore. The people who care are gone, and now my family can finally take Sundays off.”
I was surprised when FOX NEWS didn’t jump on him for that statement. Maybe they were too busy wondering why they weren’t taken up, either.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Even though he didn’t have to go to church today, the President was still working. He went on TV again, telling us that although we may have been passed over by God, life goes on. He urged us to go about our business. Japan is still making electronics. Oil continues to be made in the Middle East. If they’re still pressing on, why shouldn’t we?
That makes sense. There’s nothing we can really do about not being Taken. Why not make the best of it?
He also mentioned that new elections will be held as soon as possible. There are a number of seats in that need to be filled. Mostly Republicans.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Most of the damage caused by God’s calling of His faithful has been cleaned up. Life is returning to normal. TV hasn’t changed much—it doesn’t look like many entertainers were taken. There was a tribute to those Raised in the Rapture and those who died because of it. Surprisingly very little wailing and gnashing of teeth. It was a really calm affair, like people were just giving those that left their due before marching onward themselves.
I really am amazed at how well we’re taking all this.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
There has been less political news lately. I guess it’s hard to have a bipartisan government when one of there’s really one partisan. Lots of laws have been passed. Socialized health-care was the big one, oddly enough. In light of what’s happened, I think people don’t really care about business models and profits anymore. They just want people to not be in pain anymore.
Gay marriage went through unchallenged across all fifty states. Nobody thought it was all that big a deal. I actually watched CSPAN as they voted. The Speaker shrugged as he the proposed bill and said “Is this really even an issue anymore?”
Some remaining Republicans actually came out and crossed the aisle. They said they no longer had a reason to hide.
They looked relieved.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
A group of scientists say they’ve found potential cures for both Alzheimers and heart cancer this week, thanks to the abundance of stem cells released from various clinics.
There have been some reports that abortion numbers have increased. A young woman was asked why she was aborting her child and she replied “I’m not going to have a kid when I can’t afford to give it the care it needs. Hopefully the stem cells will help someone else out.”
The Daily Show and The Colbert Report aired their last shows today. “We just don’t have anything to complain about anymore.” Stewart said. “Laws are getting passed, shit’s getting done, and for once, there’s no name-calling in the Houses.” FOX NEWS also went off the air due to low (non-existent) ratings. Their final report was on the death of their owner Rupert Murdoch, who took his own life shortly after the Rapture.
Wednesday August 17, 2011
With the Vatican all but empty, all the money collected by the Catholic Church has been redistributed to the victims of abuse at the hands of priests. My neighbor received a check for three hundred thousand dollars. He donated half of it to an orphanage, and the other half to a secular twelve-step program.
For the first time in decades, condoms and other birth control methods have been handed out to third-world countries.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I never thought I’d see the day. Young Iranians successfully overthrew their government on this, a day that many celebrated as a blow to American excess. These revolutionaries said they were inspired by our “emerging self-control and sensibility” after the Rapture. They saw that a country so divided by religion could be united by its removal and wanted that unity for themselves.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Jesus came back today. It was covered on the news. He appeared in the air above some plains in Israel, with the millions of those taken by Him. He said He came to destroy this world of evil, iniquity, sin, and hatred. He said that five months ago, He took His Chosen back with him to spare them His coming wrath.
But now He said there is far less pain in the world. Brother no longer hated brother because he was gay, or because he followed a different God. There was less suffering because medicine and science could now advance, unimpeded by His kind.
He said that by removing His people, He had saved us all. Then he left again.
I wanted to tell Him to fuck off. He didn’t do shit.
